Monday, 31 December 2012

reminiscing


It seems like this is the time of year when everyone starts getting geared up for the new year, the new beginning. As I sit here, reading over my past blogs I find that I am feeling wistful in a way. I like what I am reading, but I don't really feel connected to the boy that wrote those cheery-emotional-mushy-lovey-dovey, upbeat blogs. 


Not that I am an un-cheery person. I am quite happy with a lot of things going on in my life right now. I have a had some wonderful opportunities come my way. The past year has been pretty terrific. 

As I look ahead though, feeling quite stuffed from the past two days of overindulgence in delicious foods and drinks, I know that there is still one area that I am not satisfied with... my weight, appearance, and the confidence I feel for my inward self to be equal to my outward self. There is a lot of work to do. I am feeling like it is possible though. Possibilities are really what the new year is about right? 

We look at the beginning of a new year like an unopened gift. We shut our eyes tight against the outside world, fists clenched tightly and imagine what could be contained within. Our wildest dreams and deepest of wishes dance around in our minds. That is what I think the new year is like. 

The wishes I hold inside, close to my heart, are not hard to guess. I wish to feel comfortable in my surroundings and to enjoy sitting and visiting without tugging at my shirt, or hiking up my pants. I wish to stand in front of my closet and think "What do I feel like wearing today?" not "What could I wear today to make me look as least fat as possible?" 

Fat is such an ugly word isn't it? I never utter it out loud, but I know I say it almost constantly in my brain whenever it is not already occupied with some other task or idea. It is an appalling, gruesome, frightening, repulsive word. But it is just a word, like any other. It is not until I give it a sword and lay my neck before it that it has any power. 

As an English learner I know other "F" words, like fabulous, or fantastic, or even fit. The first two I can claim as a proper descriptors of myself, it is the last that needs some work. But what is all this time on this big, blue planet for if not to test ourselves, stretch our limits and to grow into the people we would like to be. 

As Lewis Carroll wrote in "Alice in Wonderland," 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." 
"I don't much care where –" 
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.” 

I really should know where I want to go, so I know how to get there. When I arrive at (we'll call it my first stop because it really is a never-ending journey, isn't it?) 

I started this blog reminiscing and it seems I have stumbled into creating goals for myself. Funny how meandering can do that. I'm sure it is all for the best though.  Actually I never have any new year wish or in malay 'azam tahun baru etc etc',  not like never but Im not that type of person who do that because I do what i want, I wish what i want and i just flow with everything. Lol its not good actually but nevermind, its me. HAHA

Until then...